“Don’t ask me

If this party’s real or not

Whatever I said

Would just be proved wrong”

Kylie Said To Jason 1988

I never win things.

Not raffles.

Not meat draws.

Not tickets to Burn The Shard*.

*my attendance was entirely due to speculative blagging and some supernaturally good mates.

I win on the lottery from time to time, through my regular deployment of The Bill numbers. Enough times each year to pretty much break even.

I won a Teacher Of The Year award once, voted by the students, a Manager Of The Year award at HMV, and before my brain started making memories I was Debenham’s Baby Of The Year.

But aside from all that, me and competitions rarely get on.

Until last week, when an email arrived out of the blue.

Driving down to London, to make an early evening start, on a school night?

Where do I sign up?

So there I was, driving past the palace of Good Queen Bess at 6:23pm, with my name on the guest list. At the venue of the screening that is. Not the palace. That’ll come later, when I turn down a knighthood for my contribution to niche literature, because Instant Karma is going down the charts.

My pit stop on the way down, revealed some refreshingly retro graffiti in the toilets.

The venue was a lovingly restored building in the archways underneath Waterloo station and approaching the queue, I was welcomed by some spectacular street art and then this.

From my position near the front of the line, I could peek inside and catch a glimpse of Phil Blake’s Ford Timelord, last seen driving away from The Bombed Out Church with a new paint job. I’m happy to report that the inch perfect replica has been returned to his former glories and appears in several drone shots in the documentary, with the country roads of East Anglia filling in for everywhere from Wiltshire to Sweden.

Upon entry, we were issued with some specially commissioned Drinks Tokens of Mu – probably the work of designer extraordinaire and Graduation Ball DJ, DJ Food.

These are now safely deposited in The Bank Of Mu, along with notes minted by The Cube and Darren Tyler.

The screening was well attended and Celebrity I-Spy points were scored by John Higgs, Irving Welsh and Sean Pertwee. The presence of the Son Of A Doctor was a nice omen for my upcoming Lost Doctor episode, recorded with Tom Baker and scored by REACTOR23. Finished off during my brush with the lurgy in October, it’s probably my most favourite thing I’ve created.

But, aside from the showing of the documentary, reviewed here, the highlight of the evening was meeting the two ACTUAL VOICES OF THE KLF, Maxine Harvey and Errol Nicholson AKA Black Steel, who’s own renditions of Justified & Ancient push Tammy back into third place, or maybe even forth after Jarvis, or maybe even fifth after Johnny Gauld’s bagpiped rendition. While Black Steel’s version played over the PA in the bar, we were treated to a jaw-dropping harmonising from the man himself with his own thirty years younger self. I’m delighted to report that the man still has it.

I was planning something extravagant with the final five copies of The 400 Remix Project, but I decided right there and then that these two legends deserved there own copies. Actually, that reminds me. Mr Hopkinson’s Singing Computer has just relegated Tammy into six place, although now, come to think of it, Jet & Sky’s original from 1987:WTFIGO and Chill Out has pushed Tammy down to a lowly seventh.

Here they are with Wimbledon’s own Mr C, with me lurking unobtrusively in the background.

The documentary worked well on the big screen, in fact that’s definitely the way it should be seen. After all, an epic story requires an epic medium.

Notable mentions go to the supporting cast that were in attendance including The Signmaker, Steve Badger, The Penkiln Burn Kollector The Ford Timelord Hunter and The One Man Underground.

The journey home was soundtracked by The White Room Directors Cut, but not before I crossed The Thames to the sounds of London By Night, and all the way up the M1, I was neck and neck with the oddest and most intriguing personalised number plate, almost stranger than you could imagine…

WHO KILLED THE KLF? is available to stream in all the right places as well as selected cinemas.

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